tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2364964586768687592024-03-05T06:13:14.029-08:00God's MilkLoving someone in painSianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14226995410043419702noreply@blogger.comBlogger21125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-236496458676868759.post-17970337745961019282014-08-22T18:43:00.001-07:002014-08-22T18:55:12.245-07:00We're only human...Christina Perri's song "Human" has been about for a while but it was only the other day when I listened to the words after a(nother) borderline episode and it was then that I actually felt the words. I find very few things more powerful than connecting to lyrics. I made a scrapbook page using the lyrics and as I finished I could see how they could apply to either of us... me speaking to Gareth or Gareth speaking to me. We both live with BPD in different ways and it's hard. It's really hard. Sometimes and we need to remind ourselves that we are only human and can only take so much.<br />
<br />
I used paper that came with a small collage in the bottom left hand corner which said, "I absolutely adore you" and in the opposite corner I out "but I'm only human". I wrote lyrics on a PL card and used some frames I've had for years under which I sprayed Scarlet red Tattered Angels ink.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1eQ1OzgTMe18BBCocOZH_D97W5lOeAgV78NGt1ubUk9UNeRs3FlIXfXIaNHsdpTpF4xp5Dqq-V0ZFYbXed9rcDq6NJHBjqTyv1ohrosX_57LDEoqStBR9SFAReUoz2NuM2DqQ9bZbPCE/s1600/IMG_1942.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1eQ1OzgTMe18BBCocOZH_D97W5lOeAgV78NGt1ubUk9UNeRs3FlIXfXIaNHsdpTpF4xp5Dqq-V0ZFYbXed9rcDq6NJHBjqTyv1ohrosX_57LDEoqStBR9SFAReUoz2NuM2DqQ9bZbPCE/s1600/IMG_1942.JPG" height="320" width="319" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgkf1ScyftaW9ybD32w1em0x3G7DabQuMK9amMKd1BTr6JVVUjEjFI79grvhXzx8BPW4nrg4OQ9pfQ0gRrCTLjNU95M1itoz6nd_DwEQWIpbfPFsPhITlg6-JBvt6cwd-Cn39tAk6vIwoI/s1600/IMG_1943.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgkf1ScyftaW9ybD32w1em0x3G7DabQuMK9amMKd1BTr6JVVUjEjFI79grvhXzx8BPW4nrg4OQ9pfQ0gRrCTLjNU95M1itoz6nd_DwEQWIpbfPFsPhITlg6-JBvt6cwd-Cn39tAk6vIwoI/s1600/IMG_1943.JPG" height="238" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWqVHT1AN9GAYcyeAEESk9ZQ5t7z1dFLREOytgAi3v3Vc5LOOLJT697KT_sl1kzKb0NarjGPjfkUnd5kYov617K2xbApImS07w-aPDaRaoNIi5BWjg6azsCm8zW-FaedF7qkymdnr2Jkw/s1600/IMG_1944.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWqVHT1AN9GAYcyeAEESk9ZQ5t7z1dFLREOytgAi3v3Vc5LOOLJT697KT_sl1kzKb0NarjGPjfkUnd5kYov617K2xbApImS07w-aPDaRaoNIi5BWjg6azsCm8zW-FaedF7qkymdnr2Jkw/s1600/IMG_1944.JPG" height="320" width="265" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Scrapping is therapy!!</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/r5yaoMjaAmE?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<b><span style="color: #134f5c;">~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Siân ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</span></b></div>
<br />Sianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14226995410043419702noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-236496458676868759.post-80578015582331083382014-06-25T00:45:00.001-07:002014-06-25T00:45:16.331-07:00A Love Letter....Not everyone, maybe no one at all, completely understands mine and Gareth's relationship. Most people don't understand Gareth at all. We have had to make compromises and sacrifices in order to maintain a life together with Borderline Personality Disorder. We've lost a lot along the way. But what we have underneath it all is a deep and committed love that has taken a lot of work. It isn't always obvious and it isn't always said and it often gets lost beneath the pain of living with mental illness so I wanted to remind Gareth what he means to me...or as Hafiz so eloquently wrote, "I wish I could show you, when you are lonely or in darkness, the astonishing light of your own being." For you Gareth...<br />
<br />
You are the most beautiful thing I've ever seen<br />
You shine just like sunlight rays on a winter snow<br />
I just had to tell you so.<br />
<br />
Your eyes sparkle as the stars like the moon they glow<br />
Your smile could light the world on fire or did you know?<br />
Your mind's full of everything that I wanna know.<br />
I just had to let you know.<br />
I just had to tell you so.<br />
<br />
You're my butterfly.<br />
Fly High. Fly. Fly. Fly.<br />
<br />
(Butterfly by Lenny Kravitz)<br />
<br />
Sian xxx<br />
<br />
<br />Sianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14226995410043419702noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-236496458676868759.post-2737025464657957802014-02-08T02:42:00.000-08:002014-02-08T02:42:43.310-08:00Remembering RubyGareth's descent into the mental health system started when he lost his mum. He is the youngest of 11 children to Ruby and George and he was the baby. Ruby developed Parkinson's disease and aged only 60 she fell down some stairs and her lungs collapsed. Gareth visited her in hospital, told her he loved her and returned to the army after being told Ruby would recover. He received a phone call afterwards to say she had passed away.<br />
<br />
He wasn't given support and wasn't able to take time off to grieve. Instead he drank. Two years later on the anniversary of his mum's death he took a massive overdose and was found in an alleyway in the early hours of the morning. He was admitted to an army psychiatric unit where he would go on to be assessed and given a medical discharge with the diagnosis of "adjustment disorder". A diagnosis that would change many times over the years allowing the army to rescind the regular payment he received from them as he no longer suffered from "adjustment disorder". My thoughts on that shall remain quiet for now but needless to say it seems very convenient!<br />
<br />
This year Ruby would have been 75 years old. It's been 15 years. People still want Gareth to "get over it" and "get on with his life" and although it comes from a place of caring and wanting him to be happy people haven't the time or patience to understand unresolved and complex grief. Gareth himself wanted to try and let go this year and out himself under too much pressure to do so.<br />
<br />
Anyway we decided to mark her birthday in some way and we went to Chester Cathedral where Ruby first heard Gareth play in concert for the first time. Gareth remembers the seat she sat in and so we took turns (we had the dogs with us - as always) going in and sitting in that seat to remember her.<br />
<br />
Whilst I was there, two women were talking (personally I would have described it as flirting) with an employee, obscuring my view of the stage. I was sat down sometimes with my eyes closed and thought it was clear that I was trying to have a moment but I guess some people are only aware of their own needs as it didn't stop the raucous laughter and inappropriately loud chatting. I was beyond irritated at this point and it occurred to me that Gareth always described Ruby as moody and ratty - so perhaps if Ruby was there that's exactly how I would be feeling ;o)<br />
<br />
I took photos of the chair and stage and went on to make a digital scrapbook page to commemorate the moment. I chose to remember it once the annoying people had finally moved but I may well do an art journal page of the irritating part :o) Here's the page anyway:<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivQFo5Xj5uF3QDAHaa_PGraW6Dc_yDOpLl2tUuNp8lEhHGPTea-rV0cYLFPmvnmow4_Aa2iJWZl2a9GAC1WLFa_4N_swNpG2_WUkQ3o2ZLyn6sYGJ_BUWYZRnvf74L09exirLTaIf0_f4/s1600/Jan+Wk+4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivQFo5Xj5uF3QDAHaa_PGraW6Dc_yDOpLl2tUuNp8lEhHGPTea-rV0cYLFPmvnmow4_Aa2iJWZl2a9GAC1WLFa_4N_swNpG2_WUkQ3o2ZLyn6sYGJ_BUWYZRnvf74L09exirLTaIf0_f4/s1600/Jan+Wk+4.jpg" height="320" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
I hope Gareth finds a way to remember Ruby without it causing him suicidal thoughts one day. A way to remember her with happiness but I would never tell him to get over it and move on - it's his mum. I have no idea how anyone or if indeed anyone does ever "get over" the loss of close family member. I guess people just find a way to live with it somehow. The dripping heart on the scrapbook page represents Gareth's heart which is still bleeding, I just hope one day we can stop the bleeding and start to heal the scar it's left.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
I love you always Gareth xxx</div>
<br />Sianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14226995410043419702noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-236496458676868759.post-60408685949675298642013-10-05T16:11:00.001-07:002014-02-08T02:46:17.733-08:00World Mental Health DayHollins Park hospital is hosting an event on Sunday 6th October at the start of the week that sees 2013 World Mental Health Day (10th October) and they are kindly letting me display a piece of art I've created as well as some poetry I've written. So here it all is:<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVVdVSAjTcZi5tJiweY-gB__t_nqa34cHoqd-PCX_pCkn9dKQDYB4s7gJzQ4HtN1VRTV1YDSKYYHZsMMDQvFzEGSPQkJKPXvttjeJECOn_CgLPikEgYBVi_1j_mpftxUN_5ADanK6515A/s1600/P1120285.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="287" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVVdVSAjTcZi5tJiweY-gB__t_nqa34cHoqd-PCX_pCkn9dKQDYB4s7gJzQ4HtN1VRTV1YDSKYYHZsMMDQvFzEGSPQkJKPXvttjeJECOn_CgLPikEgYBVi_1j_mpftxUN_5ADanK6515A/s320/P1120285.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8SqHMPNvT8Bk5YmMWjxurFmrwjbQxFx89bU1d6dRKf0BoF2bcENjwwUrGyEi9G90ed3Ow7w_EtDl2G3ECtBGG-GxHoY1nmUJozpbLjtwcnS0kNJROejowGjDFAcTYjOD2PfZ6LNO48bc/s1600/P1120287.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8SqHMPNvT8Bk5YmMWjxurFmrwjbQxFx89bU1d6dRKf0BoF2bcENjwwUrGyEi9G90ed3Ow7w_EtDl2G3ECtBGG-GxHoY1nmUJozpbLjtwcnS0kNJROejowGjDFAcTYjOD2PfZ6LNO48bc/s320/P1120287.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjoudVdd79fG3UcU8gtcJmiA-z7z2tOgNzgNHoP1wFXcbwyjYAmw5AUk70plFZPuHeSyPX-dfRXM0LwGTWywktKgAK2-rwqJpZn-AIsYAD0dW4SI1SZ4BNrBcZqf1_GkrX3W5PBpOXb7Yg/s1600/P1120288.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjoudVdd79fG3UcU8gtcJmiA-z7z2tOgNzgNHoP1wFXcbwyjYAmw5AUk70plFZPuHeSyPX-dfRXM0LwGTWywktKgAK2-rwqJpZn-AIsYAD0dW4SI1SZ4BNrBcZqf1_GkrX3W5PBpOXb7Yg/s320/P1120288.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
I'm hoping you can read the poems by clicking on the pictures to enlarge them. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
If not, please comment and I will type them out under each one.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiu4TyJaBDTw0eQUSBR_H7uvw-wtpgljl_ns-VDSDCrDO0tjNUXnVkVa5g6y2YvUDGnuU4jijqktrVXWnd_pwzI0VNB5DrSqgIKHPYtG5V3HGa5VXrOjP9CGAIyAg-w6AryxwQy9ChB8g8/s1600/Trickle.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiu4TyJaBDTw0eQUSBR_H7uvw-wtpgljl_ns-VDSDCrDO0tjNUXnVkVa5g6y2YvUDGnuU4jijqktrVXWnd_pwzI0VNB5DrSqgIKHPYtG5V3HGa5VXrOjP9CGAIyAg-w6AryxwQy9ChB8g8/s320/Trickle.jpg" width="224" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiERFsgMbUOafTeeuFCugacmhzeFIBWArYOdURZiWc8moZ9GCFKnDqbz7VK0eDn3KKeVg21baNw82LqTZBp_6KhVQjrYMwUPAO4w0vASSsrHevg5MrVc0BtNzqwxeMgP9OA-rnOIrXNyMI/s1600/Black.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiERFsgMbUOafTeeuFCugacmhzeFIBWArYOdURZiWc8moZ9GCFKnDqbz7VK0eDn3KKeVg21baNw82LqTZBp_6KhVQjrYMwUPAO4w0vASSsrHevg5MrVc0BtNzqwxeMgP9OA-rnOIrXNyMI/s320/Black.jpg" width="219" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFugKOlymhdDjyko_tu4FYfa8mlHRFQfYnNdN2RO9SNisPpYBmD2l00tE-2Yzt_qEeXKRKyVkoXmz9Er2-RdzcETDhZlAm_5CvrGaEBFYmZfe2CgGCNlOfY6bb8hZ-2k3XMLn25Ja5q7s/s1600/Ice.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFugKOlymhdDjyko_tu4FYfa8mlHRFQfYnNdN2RO9SNisPpYBmD2l00tE-2Yzt_qEeXKRKyVkoXmz9Er2-RdzcETDhZlAm_5CvrGaEBFYmZfe2CgGCNlOfY6bb8hZ-2k3XMLn25Ja5q7s/s320/Ice.jpg" width="218" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCS-ajEDFE8LqFGqeGfdQoNZIcFqci8IyZRkrNTsP0eD3H3D6tn0FBbfSnzXT7HTuaLM6tMAayDqxNlrmnAZBzFs7leS7whPAdlaQfc49ecWvmL6eNAEo9iyaytMAmQEWNYEaC3u-dgzQ/s1600/Untamed.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCS-ajEDFE8LqFGqeGfdQoNZIcFqci8IyZRkrNTsP0eD3H3D6tn0FBbfSnzXT7HTuaLM6tMAayDqxNlrmnAZBzFs7leS7whPAdlaQfc49ecWvmL6eNAEo9iyaytMAmQEWNYEaC3u-dgzQ/s320/Untamed.jpg" width="216" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh89CJ4QPd7l_qeFQN-lF-bYfi12_Ff7Aj7tWDyPfyNBMiqkYxNfVAz_BXx2HcVLujHf2fbjk8EqYGNIgfNLPpXOYaY3-6xbVViVZERuVbPTxh6GcVnVWV3K9yhMwhBpX3iV1A8tf1JUuM/s1600/Angelically.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh89CJ4QPd7l_qeFQN-lF-bYfi12_Ff7Aj7tWDyPfyNBMiqkYxNfVAz_BXx2HcVLujHf2fbjk8EqYGNIgfNLPpXOYaY3-6xbVViVZERuVbPTxh6GcVnVWV3K9yhMwhBpX3iV1A8tf1JUuM/s320/Angelically.jpg" width="222" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Gareth is setting them all out for me as I will be at home looking after the dogs so he will tell me afterwards whether they went down well or not. Fingers crossed!</div>
<br />Sianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14226995410043419702noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-236496458676868759.post-76184930577760939322013-06-12T03:17:00.001-07:002014-02-08T02:45:41.073-08:00Blister packs... and blistersGareth, like many mental health patients, has a history of overdosing as a form of self harm. To that end I administer his blister pack each day with his tablets in so he doesn't have full access to a lot of tablets at once. One of the main criteria of Borderline PD is self harm. Gareth hasn't self harmed for many years - other than overdosing - until last night. After a particularly horrendous night he put several cigarettes out on his hand which is now covered in blisters.<br />
<br />
Normally I get angry but today I feel differently. I feel guilty. I was ill last night with ME but I think maybe had I got up and given Gareth ten minutes of my time he may not have resorted to harming himself. That's all he wants a lot of the time, someone to talk to. And I wasn't there for him.<br />
<br />
He was discharged from mental health services several weeks ago so has no care coordinator to ring and when he rang the doctors his regular GP was unavailable due to being fully booked despite him being the first person through to the surgery that morning. All other GPs have a tendency to panic because it's mental health and they know nothing so they do what they do best.... refer.<br />
<br />
They actually referred him for an assessment to go back into mental health services last time he went in to see the GP and he's only just been discharged! It scares me that GPs are now in charge of the care of mental health patients especially as many know so little and either do nothing or over-react. The new "Recovery" system in this town is bullshit. It seems to me that they've used a great concept as a plaster to address a significant and serious problem in this town. The Recovery team can go back to their bosses now and say that the statistics are great - they've discharged x amount of people into the community - what a success "recovery" is.<br />
<br />
I'd say burning yourself with cigarettes for the first time in years, being given the runaround by your GP, being referred for assessment back into services, having no professionals to talk to that has any knowledge whatsoever of your condition and then being referred to Open Minds - the "other" mental health service in the borough really isn't a sign of addressing the problem.Sianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14226995410043419702noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-236496458676868759.post-84406077163503844332013-01-26T12:16:00.001-08:002014-02-08T02:44:54.020-08:00What about me?I'm always amazed at the amount of people I speak to who are caring for someone with a mental illness or personality disorder and don't realise it. If you don't realise you're a carer, you quite often don't realise that not only do you need help, you are entitled to it AND deserve it. I was fortunate to be picked up quite quickly by the many wonderful organisations out there that are there to stop you going insane.<br />
<br />
Let me be quite clear, it does not matter if this person is your daughter, son, mother, father, any relation by blood or marriage or in fact if it's a friend or neighbour. If they are a PIGLET - Person I Give Love and Endless Therapy too and you do this all day, all week, then you can be classed as a carer and you NEED support. The first place to start is your local carers' centre:<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.carers.org/carers-services/find-your-local-service">Find your local carers centre</a><br />
<br />
They offer practical and emotional support and our local one offers regular "therapies" such as massage, reiki to help you relax and look after yourself for a while.<br />
<br />
The strain on your emotions and your relationship with whomever it is you love who has a PD is tremendous. It's very difficult to understand their behaviour so I would also suggest reading up on their illness especially a PD because they are so confusing and behaviour can be so hurtful.<br />
<br />
Online forums can help you can talk to people with similar problems who understand. Counselling may be necessary to help you cope or a support group - any kind of voluntary mental health organisation. Sadly I live in an area where mental health is rife, fortunately this does mean that the support for people living with it themselves or through a loved one is fantastic.<br />
<br />
First rule of caring - look after yourself! Always! You can't help them if you're ill yourself.<br />
<br />
And lastly even if you are insistent that you don't class yourself as a carer but are emotionally affected by someone with a PD or MI please get help - it costs nothing but is invaluable. I really can't stress this enough.<br />
<br />
Take care. Sian xxSianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14226995410043419702noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-236496458676868759.post-35031288000106353502012-12-09T15:00:00.003-08:002014-02-08T02:51:08.487-08:00A happy family Christmas?Gareth has a large family, one of whom abused him when he was a child. I won't reveal any more about that. We've been invited to a Christmas family "do" where said family member will be attending. The person organising the party knows about it. I can never tell whether his family don't believe him because he's "mental" or whether they just want to ignore the whole situation, pretend that it's in the past and that's where it should stay. Fine, if you want to ignore it that's your choice but do NOT expect me to ignore it! I've sat at one family engagement with "it" and never said a thing out of respect for everyone else's feelings except Gareth's but I just will not sit in another room and say nothing and pretend it didn't happen again!<br />
<br />
I won't pretend that Gareth doesn't vomit, scream, cry, shake, shiver, whimper and break because of flashbacks. I won't pretend that his childhood isn't the reason he has personality disorders. I won't pretend that I think it's ok to sit in the same room as that thing and be polite because I'd be in the wrong to make a scene. And I'm certainly not going to pretend to the organiser that I think it's ok that he invited it and casually mentioned it to Gareth like nothing happened.<br />
<br />
I believe it's in my absolute right to explain to the organiser in a polite manner exactly why we won't be attending and to let them know that if we did I would not sit in that tiny room and be polite this time "for the sake of the family". What about Gareth? What about me? We are supposed to be a part of this family too! Don't we count?! Gareth's childhood affects us quite literally every single day of our lives so I won't sit in a room and pretend that part of my life does not exist so that they can all feel better about the fact that they choose to ignore it.<br />
<br />
It may be a better Christmas for them to pretend it didn't happen but we don't get that luxury and I am going to make sure they at least know that!Sianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14226995410043419702noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-236496458676868759.post-53796569947797747342012-12-01T19:12:00.000-08:002014-02-08T02:45:03.231-08:00Another day, another overdoseOne of the most frightening aspects of Gareth's illness is <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dissociation_(psychology)">dissociation</a>. We all go off into our own worlds at times but when that world threatens your life it's not daydreaming it's a nightmare. Gareth ran upstairs in the early hours of Thursday morning to tell me he thought he'd taken an overdose. He has no recollection of it at all and only realised when he lay on the couch and heard the empty tablet packets rustling under him.<br />
<br />
The ambulance came and we asked them if he was going to die but they didn't seem as certain as last time. He took about 30 dihydracodeine which has paracetomol content. This happened a few weeks ago and Gareth ended up on a drip for 24 hours. I stayed at home with our two dogs whilst Gareth went to A&E. As the ambulance drove off I sat and sobbed. The idea of losing Gareth was just too much to bear. Gareth phoned me numerous times during the night when we spent most of the time telling each other how much we love one another. You could tell we were both scared.<br />
<br />
During the night I tidied the kitchen, scrubbed the dishes and cupboards, tidied the bedroom, sorted my dressing table out - anything really to pass the time. My adrenaline was pumping and what are normally very difficult tasks for me (having ME) were quite easy as the adrenaline took over. Looking round our house, looking round my craft room, none of it meant anything. I didn't want any of it without Gareth. It struck home to me just how much I love him and just how much I treasure our relationship. How people and family are so beyond important.<br />
<br />
Finally at 8.45am we got the news that the blood tests had come back ok. His paracetomol levels were raised but not enough to warrant a drip. It turns out that because he takes the tablets regularly he may have built up a tolerance to them and this went in his favour. I went to work, told them about the previous night's events, left to pick Gareth up and take him to my mum's, went back to work... and the day just seemed to become like any other. No one is shocked any more and I never talk about it for long - I suppose that's why I have this blog. It may seem to be another day, another overdose but I was frightened and I was alone and really not many people understand. I'm angry, as usual, with the mental health service because this isn't the first time this has happened but up until now we've been offered no support or help with it.<br />
<br />
Last time it happened I had a go at the mental health team. I cried at some woman down the phone and told them that they get paid but I'm doing their job. I asked how my husband could have been on a drip all weekend then the MHT come in, speak to him for 20 minutes, discharge him and not even follow it up afterwards. That was the extent of their involvement. I informed them I was in the middle of writing a long letter of complaint to the manager when a few days later Gareth was finally given a CPN. It's short term - very short term - 3 months but she is fantastic, she understands personality disorders, she is interested in Gareth, she listens to him, she praises him and she is showing him how to deal with his emotions. She cares. That's all we want. Not someone to roll their eyes... another day, another overdose.... but someone to take us seriously, realise the impact it has and offer us some help.<br />
<br />
On Monday the Mental Health Team becomes the Recovery Team. In theory the concept of "recovery" is fantastic, in reality it means service users taking responsibility for themselves and the team having much less involvement. You tell this to a service user whose been in the system for 20 years and see how fabulous they think it is!! I'll explain more about "recovery" next time and you can see what you think! For now I'm hoping to put our Christmas decorations up and keep positive for happy holidays. Good mental health everyone - Sian xxSianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14226995410043419702noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-236496458676868759.post-75547683500228532792012-11-28T02:57:00.000-08:002014-02-08T02:43:05.553-08:00Complex griefMy husband's mum passed away in 1999. Gareth was devastated then and he is devastated now - 13 years on. A lot of people don't understand why he "won't" move on - why he can't just put it in the past and get on with it. They don't understand because they don't want to understand. They would prefer that Gareth played nice, never brought the subject up and stopped mourning - because it makes them feel uncomfortable! Well, tough! I'm so sick of ignorance and people unwilling to educate themselves in order to try to understand others especially those we are close to.<br />
<br />
Grief is traumatic enough without adding other factors into it. If a bereavement is allowed to go unresolved for whatever reason the consequences can be devastating. Our culture here in the UK does not promote healthy grieving - other countries sob unreservedly in the street - here it's a quiet, respectful affair, everyone in black, everyone shuffling along uncomfortably avoiding looking at the one that's breaking down in the corner - "take her outside!"<br />
<br />
People with personality disorders do not always have normal emotional functioning so dealing with loss can be even harder. Falling mentally ill is a loss in itself - losing years of your life, losing friends, family, your personality, self-respect, self-worth.<br />
<br />
Gareth asked me if he could write how he feels about the loss of his mum and this is what he said,<br />
<br />
"To speak of my mum in detail is far too hard so I'm just going to say a few words. The day my dear mum passed away was the day that changed my whole life and was also the day a part of my heart was ripped out. There isn't a day goes by where I don't consider committing suicide. I know this is a completely selfish attitude to take but it's the only way I would (hopefully) get to see my mum again straight away. I only told my mum once in my whole life that I loved her and that is the biggest regret of my life. There is so much more I want to say but I just can't right now. I may write more one day. Gareth"<br />
<br />
Sadly how Gareth feels is not uncommon. The DSM 5<span style="font-family: inherit;"> (<em style="background-color: white; border: 0px; color: #222222; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders)</em><span style="background-color: white; border: 0px; color: #222222; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> due out in 2013</span></span><em style="background-color: white; border: 0px; color: #222222; font-family: georgia, times, serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"> </em>is looking at including <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Complicated_grief_disorder">Complicated Grief Disorder</a>. I hope it does because then the world may start to realise that it's not a case of just "getting on with it".Sianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14226995410043419702noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-236496458676868759.post-29945037563209006572012-10-13T19:21:00.000-07:002014-02-08T02:44:34.697-08:00My red shawlI just had an unnerving experience! Funnily enough it wasn't the fact that hubby woke me to tell me he'd found 3 empty packets of dihydrocodeine and suspected he'd overdosed but had no recollection. It wasn't the dogs when they started screaming because the ambulance had come. It wasn't even necessarily when Gareth came back upstairs to tell me the police were there and wanted to speak to me because I simply said no I'm not getting up! But I admit that hearing a WPC outside the bedroom door made me panic - mainly because the hall upstairs is a mess and I was thinking I wish I'd tidied it one night last week and picked up all the tissues that Henry (our youngest dog) tends to drag all over the house.<br />
<br />
I pulled on my jeans and a top and went downstairs with her, clocking every tissue and un-hoovered inch of the hall and stairs in shame, but soon forgot all that when I got downstairs to a living room FULL of men as I realised I had no bra on - ahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!! There were 3 paramedics and a policeman as well as the WPC. I may as well have been topless! So I have to thank the universe that my red shawl was still on the couch from the crop I'd been to earlier because I grabbed it and covered myself up and sat on the couch awaiting the obviously necessary and vital questioning from the police.<br />
<br />
Sitting in my own living with 5 strangers in uniform watching my dogs almost crazy with the prospect of 5 new friends to hump was indeed quite unnerving! Gareth arms were bright red, apparently codeine makes you itch like a madman and he's taken 42 of them so he's nearly ripping his skin off. Finally the paramedics took Gareth off to "caszch" as the paramedic called it in his scouse accent (casualty) and the police said they were staying behind! Aha I thought, the reason they got me up, they are going to ask me some deep and serious questions now. My name? er... Sian. My date of birth? ok. That's it?!!! Huh?! Yes that's it, please give Gareth our love (?!) and both of you take care. Now I'm just annoyed!!! Oh sorry there was one more question... do you sell crafts on the internet? Haha! All my stash I'd taken to a 12 hour scrapbooking crop that day is still downstairs. Good to know I have enough to open a small business though :o)<br />
<br />
Then they went, making as much noise as is possible to wake up all the neighbours just to ensure that they've seen police arrive in the middle of the night. Siiiigh! So now I'm sat here still in the red shawl mainly because it's freezing and the heating doesn't come on until about 7am. Gareth just rang from the ambulance - those of you who read this blog know I require one question to be answered - are you going to die? He put me onto Colin the paramedic to explain everything clearly. I heard the word "line" and the word "toxicity" and I think the words "ride the codeine out" then Colin laughed about Gareth itching himself to death and put me back onto Gareth. I was none the wiser so I just asked Gareth to ask Colin if he was going to die - apparently he's not. Hopefully Colin knows what he's talking about. I may joke but I hate this and I won't rest properly until he's home again. Til then I'll sit here in my red shawl and try to keep warm especially as I may have to open a window the stench of aftershave in here is overwhelming!!!<br />
<br />
<br />Sianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14226995410043419702noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-236496458676868759.post-47381732645764254552012-09-23T13:51:00.000-07:002014-02-08T02:43:22.735-08:00CaringCaring is one of my passionate subjects. I could go on for quite some time about the debt that society owes unpaid carers... to be truthful though, before I became one I had probably never heard of "carers". Like most others I didn't choose to become a carer but when you marry someone with needs whether they are mental or physical it just happens. I'm not really writing this post though to whinge about being a carer but really to say how a caring role can change so much over time. Things are very different now from when we first married in 2004. Back then I was Gareth's wife and carer of a man with complex mental health problems and I thought that was complicated. Last Friday we went to the (amazing) <a href="http://www.carers.org/">Princess Trust Carers Centre</a> and Gareth registered as MY carer. We are now registered as mutual carers. Sometimes I think we are 64 not 34.<br />
<br />
Gareth's recently developed some physical problems - arthralgia and spondylosis - and I had to admit that despite the fact that I'm supposed to look after him he does an awful lot of looking after me since I was diagnosed with ME. I also have depression so we both deal with each others mental and physical problems and somehow manage to maintain a loving relationship and committed marriage.<br />
<br />
An argument last week was the deciding factor in us reaching out to the carers centre. I've been registered since 2004 and cannot praise them enough because without them I'm pretty sure I would've gone under. Though that depth of struggle is no longer there, we are at a stage where we need to understand how to manage our own and each other's illnesses so it can stop causing problems. I can accept this is my life but I need to find a way that we can still live despite it. I don't want to be old before my time. We are lucky to still be very much in love after 8 years and completely committed to a life with each other and all that brings with it so we will find a way.<br />
<br />
For anyone who is a carer I do have some advice.<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>First rule of caring - put yourself first. If you aren't well you can't look after someone else! </li>
<li>Contact your local <a href="http://www.carers.org/carers-services/find-your-local-service">carers centre</a> today! They are absolutely necessary. </li>
<li>And then read this book... <a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/Selfish-Pigs-Guide-Caring-emotional/dp/0749929863">The Selfish Pigs Guide To Caring</a> because you're not alone in feeling angry, frustrated, lonely and afraid.</li>
</ul>
<div>
I think being married by itself can be hard work but throw illness into the mix as well and you have to fight harder but for us we both know it's worth it in the end.</div>
Sianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14226995410043419702noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-236496458676868759.post-87802763596626196802012-08-26T20:01:00.000-07:002014-02-08T02:47:09.032-08:00Education, education, education<br />
It's been a while since I blogged here, as you can imagine it's not easy getting the time to sit and write about this and to be honest, I don't always feel like it either. But I'm in the mood for typing tonight so here we go...<br />
<br />
I want to talk about something positive today! Gareth is what is known as an EBE (eebee) an Expert By Experience and works alongside EBOs (eebows) Experts By Occupation to deliver training to the NHS about personality disorders. Together an EBE and an EBO educate classes of NHS staff on the realities of having a pd. What makes these classes so special, in my opinion, is the presence of the EBE. Having someone there who lives with pd every day is an invaluable teaching tool.<br />
<br />
But why would NHS staff need training in PD? Especially mental health nurses, surely they know all about personality disorders from their degrees right? Wrong! The coverage of personality disorders in mental health training is either zero or pitiful. Most RMNs (Registered Mental Nurses) actually know very little if anything at all about personality disorders and what they do know is usually so far from the truth it actually frightens me to death! RMNs are the ones looking after people in hospital with mental health problems and a high percentage (Gareth would know the exact figure) of people with mental health issues have a personality disorder.<br />
<br />
Part of the training that Gareth does involves asking the class (usually RMNs) what they honestly think of people with PDs. Answers usually go something like this, "pain in the arse", "manipulative", "evil", "difficult"... so if this was the opinion of someone being paid to look after your husband when he's in hospital at his most vulnerable would you be happy?!<br />
<br />
Fortunately over 3 days training Gareth and an EBO explain to the class how pd's are developed, look at the myths surrounding pd's (namely that all people with PDs are evil, difficult, manipulative and a pain in the arse!) and thanks to people like Gareth they get to understand what it is actually like having to live with one. A group of psychiatrists (yes he trains top psychiatrists too) gave Gareth a standing ovation during one session after he answered their (many) questions honestly.<br />
<br />
I'm going to ask Gareth to help me write another post on what he covers in the training as although only 6 people read this at the moment, 6 people understanding pd is better than none and you never know one day other people may read this too. Sian xx<br />
Sianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14226995410043419702noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-236496458676868759.post-44981161064158402002012-08-07T07:36:00.002-07:002014-02-08T02:49:47.259-08:00A single rose...Gareth was fabulous last night!!!<br />
<br />
He started having flashbacks during the day. He didn't have a good childhood and has very bad flashbacks about it now. I'm unlikely to go into any more detail about his flashbacks than this. I came downstairs and he was huddled on the couch shivering and shaking. I spent some time checking he knew who I was and making sure I could hold his hand. His psychologist once told me the worst thing you can do to someone in the middle of a flashback is touch them as they are back in the past and would think it was someone else, its possible he would hit out, scream, be terrified. I used my voice to ground him and once I had his trust to hold his hand we tried touching the dogs ears, wiggling his feet and hands and then finally I asked if I could hug him. I just held him until he stopped shaking and he was confident he was back in the room.<br />
<br />
As I prepared to go to bed he told me it was going to be one of "those" nights - this usually means no sleep, lots of flashbacks or psychotic symptoms and a trip to A&E. But not this time. He didn't sleep a wink but instead of phoning the doctors or an ambulance he used all his techniques to try and keep himself calm. Instead of waking me up repeatedly he let me rest while he listened to music, stroked the dogs, did some visualisation, smoked, walked, whatever it took he did it last night!<br />
<br />
This is an amazing achievement for Gareth and I'm really proud of him. Borederline Personality Disorder is also known as emotionally unstable pd and controlling or dealing with his unbearable emotions is terribly hard. I know that one day he will be able to do this every time he doesn't sleep because he is determined to be happy, to make me happy and to get better.<br />
<br />
This morning he came to town to get a book from the post office - "You'll Get Over It: The Rage of Bereavement" - and he came to my work afterwards bearing a single red rose with a note thanking me for all my support. I adore red roses they are incredibly beautiful flowers. Everyone has been oohing and ahhing over it all day - including me :)Sianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14226995410043419702noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-236496458676868759.post-18836680430325576292012-07-24T09:54:00.003-07:002014-02-08T02:49:30.388-08:00So tired I could die...This post reflects somewhat how I feel today, clumsy and all over the place.<br />
<br />
Gareth's had 6 hours sleep in the last 3 days. For most this would be annoying, frustrating, upsetting. It's all those things to Gareth but it's also very dangerous. When he doesn't sleep he becomes ill and has sleep deprivation psychosis. He also dissociates so it's not always easy for him or I to decide what's real and what's not. I can be frightening for him and for me, I went to an early morning appointment once and came home to find the kitchen bin smoking. I worked out he'd microwaved some tobacco then put it in the bin and it had caught fire to papers.<br />
<br />
He also tends to spend money we haven't got and phone everyone in his phone book. He's got into trouble a few times for both!<br />
<br />
Gareth started waking me up about 8pm last night - I'd fallen asleep at 5pm. He must have come in about 20 times. He finally fell asleep about 3am this morning, the last I heard from him was a text saying, "I want that red cloud off my book!" I've no idea what this means and I doubt he does either. The funny thing is once he'd gone to sleep I woke up. I have ME and depression and both make me want to sleep a lot but Gareth can't bear to be alone, everything goes wrong for him when he's alone, hence why he wakes me up all the time. One of his diagnosis is Borderline Personality Disorder which I'm going to talk a little bit about now.<br />
<br />
I remember the first time we looked up Borderline Personality Disorder and reading this:<br />
<br />
"<em style="color: #333638; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 19px;">Being a borderline feels like eternal hell. Nothing less. Pain, anger, confusion, never knowing how I’m gonna feel from one minute to the next. Hurting because I hurt those whom I love. Feeling misunderstood. Nothing gives me pleasure. Wanting to die but not being able to kill myself because I’d feel too much guilt for those I’d hurt, and then feeling angry about that so I cut myself or take an overdose to make all the feelings go away."</em><br />
<em style="color: #333638; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 19px;"><br /></em><br />
<span style="color: #333638; line-height: 19px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I read that people with BPD have feelings of chronic emptiness and are constantly lonely. Gareth and I lay on our bed and sobbed together. I didn't realise what he went through every minute of every day. It's hard to take but I can only begin to imagine how hard it is to live with. Although I get angry and frustrated with Gareth, I never, never forget what he's feeling and I know and I believe he is trying the best he can. There are so many myths about BPD which I'm going to address in my next post and talk some about what Gareth is doing himself to educate the world about this and other personality disorders...</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #333638; line-height: 19px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #333638; line-height: 19px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">So until then I hope you all are getting enough sleep! xx</span></span><br />
<br />Sianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14226995410043419702noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-236496458676868759.post-62239490022129229042012-07-19T16:08:00.000-07:002014-02-08T02:50:40.004-08:00Life and deathGareth's ill again tonight.<br />
<br />
He didn't sleep last night which brings on his sleep deprivation psychosis and to make matters worse his elderly friend John has been taken into hospital. John has terminal cancer and schizophrenia. Gareth's terrified of him dying as anyone would be, but for Gareth I would say death is a major trigger and an area that he just cannot cope with.<br />
<br />
After losing his mum in 1999, his brother Ged hung himself in 2001. He would be the 4th of the 11 children to die. The eldest Paul was killed by a train when Gareth was an early teen. The verdict was left open but it appears to be a suicide. Paul was a like a father figure to Gareth. Russell died at birth and then there was beautiful Philip, who looked so like Gareth, he was 5 when he was hit by a car. He subsequently went into what was classes as a coma - for the next 22 years. Eventually he died from his muscles wasting away. Both his accident and his death were newspaper articles which his dad keeps in an album. Philip wasn't on breathing apparatus and was actually home for periods of time but the details are sketchy to me because Gareth has blanked it all out and I only find out things from his dad who doesn't like to dwell on the past.<br />
<br />
Gareth has had life experiences that I just can't imagine, he's the youngest and most sensitive of all the children and quite often his family don't understand, and have no patience for the impact it's all had on him. They want him to "get over it" to "move on" but without an understanding of his various personality disorders/mental illness its pretty difficult for them to grasp why he finds this more difficult than them. I would quite happily get them all in a room and give a presentation about Gareth if I thought they'd listen. On the other hand they've had so much trauma that I can understand that they want to leave it behind.<br />
<br />
With so many children though come many nieces and nephews, and we have a new baby in the family. Edward Arthur was born very recently and we will be visiting him next weekend. There is something beautiful and special about babies that give you hope and optimism for the future and I hope he will have a healing effect on Gareth when he lays eyes on him.<br />
<br />
For now I have to go check on him in the hope that his prn has kicked in and he's fallen asleep, and is temporarily free from his pain.Sianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14226995410043419702noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-236496458676868759.post-89222195733285635232012-07-17T02:33:00.000-07:002014-02-08T02:43:35.685-08:00Will the butterflies come today?Gareth's been feeling better for the first time in 4 months. Unfortunately his period of wellness started right before the worst day of the year. Every year for the last 9 years I've been on eggshells on July 17th. Gareth's mum, Ruby, passed away on July 17th 1999. He was 21, he was her baby (the youngest of 11 children), and he's never recovered from it. It was the trigger for his descent into the mental health system. Two years later in 2001 Gareth would take his first, and most serious, overdose on July 17th. He was in the army at the time, his dream job, a musician in the Band of the Parachute Regiment, due to take a place in the Coldstream Guards band. His life was a whirl of parties, girls, drinking, lads nights, holidays, playing his clarinet and getting very well paid to do so.<br />
<br />
After that initial overdose he was sent to the army psychiatric ward and eventually discharged with "Adjustment Disorder". It was in this ward that he met his friend Simon who I will talk more about another time. After his discharge, in true bipolar style, he blew all his money very quickly, drank a lot, self harmed a lot... and somewhere in that mess he met me.<br />
<br />
Over the years there's been various incidents on July 17th. This year Gareth says he feels like its the first year since Ruby died. I think its the first year he's ever let himself feel any grief without the anaesthetic of alcohol or self harm. He's angry, he's distraught, he's confused, he's displaying symptoms of psychosis - his "friends" Brad and Edward have come for a visit (only Gareth can see them) - of our two dogs, Rupy and Hen - he couldn't tell which was which.<br />
<br />
But later we are going to plant something in remembrance of Ruby. A buddleja named Ruby. Buddleja's are also called butterfly bushes because they are renowned for attracting butterflies. Sadly this year there's not been so many butterflies as the weather is stripping many flowers of its pollen. Plants like the buddleja though are structured differently, the pollen can be found deeper within the flower and its harder for the wind to blow it away so they're really important to the future of the butterfly.<br />
<br />
Since we've had our buddleja we've not seen any butterflies, until last night. Gareth went into the garden to find ten feathers on the grass and a butterfly hovering around the buddleja. Tonight we are moving Ruby from the pot she came in to a larger pot she will call home. If Ruby is out there anywhere I would ask that she send us some butterflies today in remembrance and hopefully Gareth can start to look forward and learn to live with this particular pain.Sianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14226995410043419702noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-236496458676868759.post-29854530777524243362012-07-12T17:44:00.001-07:002014-02-08T02:46:10.682-08:00Well Done!<span style="font-family: inherit;">I imagine if most people got a text from their other half saying, "Feel like taking an od cos I feel that bad." it would probably be pretty upsetting and I'm pretty sure you wouldn't reply, "well done". I get texts like this most days about overdoses or self harming. The reason I praise Gareth is that once upon a time he wouldn't have said how he felt, he just would've cut himself or taken an od.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">When I first met Gareth he had a lot of deep scars all up both arms and since he's taken numerous overdoses. I've sat in A&E for hours alone whilst he's slept getting angrier and angrier. I don't go anymore. Its been some time since Gareth Od'd but the last few times he's had one instruction: Ask them if you are going to die ring me and tell me. Fortunately most times he takes tablets that do no harm. On occasion though he will take paracetomol based tablets and I have to go with him because its very dangerous. <span style="font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Waiting 4 hours until he can have his bloods taken to see if any
damage is done is excruciating. Wondering if this is the last night you will
spend with him is terrifying. Asking the A&E nurse if he's going to die and
hearing her reply, "we don't know" is numbing.<o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Gareth
used to tell me he was going to die before he was 30 and I used to believe him.
We're both 35 this year so he was wrong but he still plays with fire. I know
Gareth isn't the only one. He has a friend in his 70s with a similar pattern
and he knows people like himself who have been in the mental health system for
years who repeatedly self harm by both cutting and overdosing. They, like
Gareth, are in pain and don't know how to deal with it, how to express it or
cope with it. It overwhelms him and he doesn't feel he has the ability to
overcome it.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I try to
make him see that regardless of how he feels it is still a CHOICE - his choice.
Noone puts those tablets down his throat and he has plenty of reasons not to.
Im not saying it's an easy choice, if i were in his shoes I've no idea if I
would still be here, but nevertheless he has a split second choice whether or
not to put those tablets in his mouth and swallow.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 4.8pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Gareth's made the choice not to
take tablets for over a year now and for that I'm extremely proud of him.
There's many other reasons I'm proud of Gareth which I will share over time but
for now every time he tells me he wants to self harm instead of doing it I will
continue saying, "Well done!"<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">
</span>Sianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14226995410043419702noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-236496458676868759.post-30452578797143999302012-07-09T07:01:00.002-07:002014-02-08T02:48:43.087-08:00How are you?In the film, Love Actually, there is a character whose mobile rings constantly. It's her brother who's in a mental health hospital and she is his only family. He rings all the time and she always answers. I imagine lots of people felt like screaming at her just leave it!!! Especially when she finally gets the man she's secretly loved for years back home one night. <br />
<br />
If anyone bought the DVD you may know it shows a deleted scene involving the character and her brother. She visits him at the hospital and he asks her, "How are you?" She answers politely with an attempt at being cheerful that she's fine, that everything is fine and well. He nods and looks at her and says, "I'm in hell". <br />
<br />
As a carer for someone with severe mental health problems that scene had a great impact on me. I often get told, "I don't know who you cope/do it". well believe me when the person you love and adore lives in hell - you just do cope and you just do it. <br />
<br />
Over time I've learnt to look after myself first, not to pick up the phone every single time it rings and to understand that I am important too but I never forget that if someone asked us "how are you?" our answers - our true answers - would be very different.<br />Sianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14226995410043419702noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-236496458676868759.post-23305205331824209042012-07-09T06:46:00.002-07:002014-02-08T02:50:18.825-08:00DaydreamingHave you ever daydreamed? Sat there and found yourself wandering away on a cloud imagining your on a beach somewhere warm with no worries or cares and the only thing you can hear is the calm and relaxing noise of the distant waves as the sea gently rolls in and out.<br />
<br />
Imagine your daydreams weren't so pleasant. That they involved finding yourself somewhere not so relaxing, somewhere frightening even, somewhere very confusing. <br />
<br />
Gareth finds himself there sometimes. Its called Dissociating, a trick that is learned in childhood when you need to escape the here and now. Many of you will have heard of multiple personalities - this is an extreme form of dissociating and is in fact called Disociative Identity Disorder. Gareth doesn't have other personalities but he does have other realities that he creates when he is stressed. He doesn't know he is doing it, and often doesn't know which reality is really real. <br />
<br />
It doesn't just cause confusion with Gareth, sometimes I don't know if he is dissociating or if something has really happened. Sometimes its easy to figure out but other times it takes its toll as Gareth can't bear being asked if something really happened. He feels he's being accused of lying and he's so scared of that.<br />
<br />
I could say so much about dissociation but I will leave it there for now. For now we are trying to deal with Gareth losing two days sleep - this causes sleep deprivation psychosis, confusion, dissociation, depression... hopefully we will both get a good night's sleep tonight... for once!<br />
<br />Sianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14226995410043419702noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-236496458676868759.post-22538646946253606932012-07-03T03:14:00.001-07:002014-02-08T02:44:05.025-08:00A GodsendI first went to A&E with Gareth about 9 years ago. He'd taken an overdose and was waiting to see a psychiatrist so they could find him a bed and admit him to a psychiatric unit. Back then I was just Gareth's "friend".<br />
<br />
16 hours later me and my friend Marie who had patiently stayed with me, went on a bus with Gareth to the hospital he was to stay in for a week. Since then Gareth's taken approximately 20 overdoses and has been to A&E - at a guess - I'd say anywhere from 60 to 100 times. I stopped going with him after a while. I often wonder if the hospital thinks I'm cruel or harsh or uncaring. I'm not, I just need to sleep occasionally and would prefer not to end up in a psychiatric unit myself one day.<br />
<br />
A couple of nights ago Gareth made one of his weekly trips to A&E, I stayed in the bedroom with the door shut so the dogs didn't scream when the ambulance arrived. Several texts and phone calls later I got up for work and went about my day. I hadn't heard from him for 2 hours (unheard of) so I started to get worried. His phone was off and I couldn't get hold of him. Then the phone rang. It was the hospital asking why Gareth had come because he was completely incoherent and they couldn't understand a word he was saying. They told me he would likely be admitted.<br />
<br />
So I got my coat on, made my apologies, left work and went to the hospital. After picking up Gareth's belongings that he'd left all over the hospital, I went to the interview room, explained to several people that when Gareth misses a night's sleep he becomes incoherent. They think its something called Sleep Deprivation Psychosis. I told them this behaviour was perfectly normal and if he slept he would wake up fine, not remembering any of it.<br />
<br />
The mental health team told me they breathed a sigh of relief when I arrived, told me I was a godsend, thanked me profusely. They didn't exactly say why but I imagine its something to do with a comment a psychiatrist made once, "You don't need to be in hospital, you have a wife". In layman's terms I saving them a gob load of money because admission costs in time, money and responsibility but sending him home relieves them of time, money and responsibility and passes it on to me<br />
<br />
Ok that's pretty cynical. But its true. I may be a godsend to them but who will be my godsend?<br />Sianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14226995410043419702noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-236496458676868759.post-588395162419973502012-07-03T02:27:00.000-07:002014-02-08T02:43:56.740-08:00God's Milk?I'm Siân, I'm 34 and I'm married to Gareth. We have two beautiful dogs, Rupert and Henry and live in a nice semi-detached house in a nice area. Sounds lovely. Sounds normal. Like everyone else in our street. But then most people don't come home to find 16 pints of milk in the fridge all labelled, "God's Milk". My husband thought he was God, that Rupy and Hen were his disciples and as he didn't want anyone drinking his milk he labelled it. There is a logic in that I suppose.<br />
<br />
Gareth loves milk. He downed 4 pints once in the alleyway by the shops. A passerby asked him if he was enjoying it. He replied, "I like milk". "Why don't you go home and drink it?" asked the man, "My wife will kill me" said Gareth. Gareth also loves wolves, music, his clarinet, his family, pizza, drinking tea, smoking. Gareth is also ill most days. He's what you would call a complex mental health case, presenting with various symptoms of bipolar, borderline, dependent and avoidant personality disorders. Rarely a day goes by without seomthing happening. So much so that I don't mention most of it to anyone as I feel it would be all I talked about. But I do need to talk about it. It's my life why should I keep it to myself.<br />
<br />
So here is "God's Milk" - me talking about my life living with a loving someone in pain.Sianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14226995410043419702noreply@blogger.com0