This post reflects somewhat how I feel today, clumsy and all over the place.
Gareth's had 6 hours sleep in the last 3 days. For most this would be annoying, frustrating, upsetting. It's all those things to Gareth but it's also very dangerous. When he doesn't sleep he becomes ill and has sleep deprivation psychosis. He also dissociates so it's not always easy for him or I to decide what's real and what's not. I can be frightening for him and for me, I went to an early morning appointment once and came home to find the kitchen bin smoking. I worked out he'd microwaved some tobacco then put it in the bin and it had caught fire to papers.
He also tends to spend money we haven't got and phone everyone in his phone book. He's got into trouble a few times for both!
Gareth started waking me up about 8pm last night - I'd fallen asleep at 5pm. He must have come in about 20 times. He finally fell asleep about 3am this morning, the last I heard from him was a text saying, "I want that red cloud off my book!" I've no idea what this means and I doubt he does either. The funny thing is once he'd gone to sleep I woke up. I have ME and depression and both make me want to sleep a lot but Gareth can't bear to be alone, everything goes wrong for him when he's alone, hence why he wakes me up all the time. One of his diagnosis is Borderline Personality Disorder which I'm going to talk a little bit about now.
I remember the first time we looked up Borderline Personality Disorder and reading this:
"Being a borderline feels like eternal hell. Nothing less. Pain, anger, confusion, never knowing how I’m gonna feel from one minute to the next. Hurting because I hurt those whom I love. Feeling misunderstood. Nothing gives me pleasure. Wanting to die but not being able to kill myself because I’d feel too much guilt for those I’d hurt, and then feeling angry about that so I cut myself or take an overdose to make all the feelings go away."
I read that people with BPD have feelings of chronic emptiness and are constantly lonely. Gareth and I lay on our bed and sobbed together. I didn't realise what he went through every minute of every day. It's hard to take but I can only begin to imagine how hard it is to live with. Although I get angry and frustrated with Gareth, I never, never forget what he's feeling and I know and I believe he is trying the best he can. There are so many myths about BPD which I'm going to address in my next post and talk some about what Gareth is doing himself to educate the world about this and other personality disorders...
So until then I hope you all are getting enough sleep! xx