Sunday, 9 December 2012

A happy family Christmas?

Gareth has a large family, one of whom abused him when he was a child. I won't reveal any more about that. We've been invited to a Christmas family "do" where said family member will be attending. The person organising the party knows about it. I can never tell whether his family don't believe him because he's "mental" or whether they just want to ignore the whole situation, pretend that it's in the past and that's where it should stay. Fine, if you want to ignore it that's your choice but do NOT expect me to ignore it! I've sat at one family engagement with "it" and never said a thing out of respect for everyone else's feelings except Gareth's but I just will not sit in another room and say nothing and pretend it didn't happen again!

I won't pretend that Gareth doesn't vomit, scream, cry, shake, shiver, whimper and break because of flashbacks. I won't pretend that his childhood isn't the reason he has personality disorders. I won't pretend that I think it's ok to sit in the same room as that thing and be polite because I'd be in the wrong to make a scene. And I'm certainly not going to pretend to the organiser that I think it's ok that he invited it and casually mentioned it to Gareth like nothing happened.

I believe it's in my absolute right to explain to the organiser in a polite manner exactly why we won't be attending and to let them know that if we did I would not sit in that tiny room and be polite this time "for the sake of the family". What about Gareth? What about me? We are supposed to be a part of this family too! Don't we count?! Gareth's childhood affects us quite literally every single day of our lives so I won't sit in a room and pretend that part of my life does not exist so that they can all feel better about the fact that they choose to ignore it.

It may be a better Christmas for them to pretend it didn't happen but we don't get that luxury and I am going to make sure they at least know that!


  1. Sian, I've just read your blog and understand what is going on as our daughter has borderline personality disorder. She has cut herself often, taken many overdoses and the MH services are a nightmare. They have decided we are her carers even though she lives on her own. There are weeks when we see her every day then days when we don't see her at all. These are the times we worry about as we usually then hear from the hospital.
    I hope you don't mind me off loading to you but you are the only person I know who has similar problems but I can see yours are much worse.

  2. Viv thanks for commenting, I can't imagine what it must be like to worry about your daughter this way, you must live on pins all the time. I disagree that my problems are worse than yours. Personality Disorders are incredibly difficult to understand and live with. Self harm is a typical symptom of Borderline PD and your daughter needs some help. YOU also need some help to look after you! You can offload on me any time and please Viv send me a PM on UKS if you would like to talk privately about anything!!! I mean that! :o) take care xxx