I'm always amazed at the amount of people I speak to who are caring for someone with a mental illness or personality disorder and don't realise it. If you don't realise you're a carer, you quite often don't realise that not only do you need help, you are entitled to it AND deserve it. I was fortunate to be picked up quite quickly by the many wonderful organisations out there that are there to stop you going insane.
Let me be quite clear, it does not matter if this person is your daughter, son, mother, father, any relation by blood or marriage or in fact if it's a friend or neighbour. If they are a PIGLET - Person I Give Love and Endless Therapy too and you do this all day, all week, then you can be classed as a carer and you NEED support. The first place to start is your local carers' centre:
Find your local carers centre
They offer practical and emotional support and our local one offers regular "therapies" such as massage, reiki to help you relax and look after yourself for a while.
The strain on your emotions and your relationship with whomever it is you love who has a PD is tremendous. It's very difficult to understand their behaviour so I would also suggest reading up on their illness especially a PD because they are so confusing and behaviour can be so hurtful.
Online forums can help you can talk to people with similar problems who understand. Counselling may be necessary to help you cope or a support group - any kind of voluntary mental health organisation. Sadly I live in an area where mental health is rife, fortunately this does mean that the support for people living with it themselves or through a loved one is fantastic.
First rule of caring - look after yourself! Always! You can't help them if you're ill yourself.
And lastly even if you are insistent that you don't class yourself as a carer but are emotionally affected by someone with a PD or MI please get help - it costs nothing but is invaluable. I really can't stress this enough.
Take care. Sian xx
Showing posts with label Carers. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Carers. Show all posts
Saturday, 26 January 2013
Sunday, 23 September 2012
Caring
Caring is one of my passionate subjects. I could go on for quite some time about the debt that society owes unpaid carers... to be truthful though, before I became one I had probably never heard of "carers". Like most others I didn't choose to become a carer but when you marry someone with needs whether they are mental or physical it just happens. I'm not really writing this post though to whinge about being a carer but really to say how a caring role can change so much over time. Things are very different now from when we first married in 2004. Back then I was Gareth's wife and carer of a man with complex mental health problems and I thought that was complicated. Last Friday we went to the (amazing) Princess Trust Carers Centre and Gareth registered as MY carer. We are now registered as mutual carers. Sometimes I think we are 64 not 34.
Gareth's recently developed some physical problems - arthralgia and spondylosis - and I had to admit that despite the fact that I'm supposed to look after him he does an awful lot of looking after me since I was diagnosed with ME. I also have depression so we both deal with each others mental and physical problems and somehow manage to maintain a loving relationship and committed marriage.
An argument last week was the deciding factor in us reaching out to the carers centre. I've been registered since 2004 and cannot praise them enough because without them I'm pretty sure I would've gone under. Though that depth of struggle is no longer there, we are at a stage where we need to understand how to manage our own and each other's illnesses so it can stop causing problems. I can accept this is my life but I need to find a way that we can still live despite it. I don't want to be old before my time. We are lucky to still be very much in love after 8 years and completely committed to a life with each other and all that brings with it so we will find a way.
For anyone who is a carer I do have some advice.
Gareth's recently developed some physical problems - arthralgia and spondylosis - and I had to admit that despite the fact that I'm supposed to look after him he does an awful lot of looking after me since I was diagnosed with ME. I also have depression so we both deal with each others mental and physical problems and somehow manage to maintain a loving relationship and committed marriage.
An argument last week was the deciding factor in us reaching out to the carers centre. I've been registered since 2004 and cannot praise them enough because without them I'm pretty sure I would've gone under. Though that depth of struggle is no longer there, we are at a stage where we need to understand how to manage our own and each other's illnesses so it can stop causing problems. I can accept this is my life but I need to find a way that we can still live despite it. I don't want to be old before my time. We are lucky to still be very much in love after 8 years and completely committed to a life with each other and all that brings with it so we will find a way.
For anyone who is a carer I do have some advice.
- First rule of caring - put yourself first. If you aren't well you can't look after someone else!
- Contact your local carers centre today! They are absolutely necessary.
- And then read this book... The Selfish Pigs Guide To Caring because you're not alone in feeling angry, frustrated, lonely and afraid.
I think being married by itself can be hard work but throw illness into the mix as well and you have to fight harder but for us we both know it's worth it in the end.
Tuesday, 24 July 2012
So tired I could die...
This post reflects somewhat how I feel today, clumsy and all over the place.
Gareth's had 6 hours sleep in the last 3 days. For most this would be annoying, frustrating, upsetting. It's all those things to Gareth but it's also very dangerous. When he doesn't sleep he becomes ill and has sleep deprivation psychosis. He also dissociates so it's not always easy for him or I to decide what's real and what's not. I can be frightening for him and for me, I went to an early morning appointment once and came home to find the kitchen bin smoking. I worked out he'd microwaved some tobacco then put it in the bin and it had caught fire to papers.
He also tends to spend money we haven't got and phone everyone in his phone book. He's got into trouble a few times for both!
Gareth started waking me up about 8pm last night - I'd fallen asleep at 5pm. He must have come in about 20 times. He finally fell asleep about 3am this morning, the last I heard from him was a text saying, "I want that red cloud off my book!" I've no idea what this means and I doubt he does either. The funny thing is once he'd gone to sleep I woke up. I have ME and depression and both make me want to sleep a lot but Gareth can't bear to be alone, everything goes wrong for him when he's alone, hence why he wakes me up all the time. One of his diagnosis is Borderline Personality Disorder which I'm going to talk a little bit about now.
I remember the first time we looked up Borderline Personality Disorder and reading this:
"Being a borderline feels like eternal hell. Nothing less. Pain, anger, confusion, never knowing how I’m gonna feel from one minute to the next. Hurting because I hurt those whom I love. Feeling misunderstood. Nothing gives me pleasure. Wanting to die but not being able to kill myself because I’d feel too much guilt for those I’d hurt, and then feeling angry about that so I cut myself or take an overdose to make all the feelings go away."
I read that people with BPD have feelings of chronic emptiness and are constantly lonely. Gareth and I lay on our bed and sobbed together. I didn't realise what he went through every minute of every day. It's hard to take but I can only begin to imagine how hard it is to live with. Although I get angry and frustrated with Gareth, I never, never forget what he's feeling and I know and I believe he is trying the best he can. There are so many myths about BPD which I'm going to address in my next post and talk some about what Gareth is doing himself to educate the world about this and other personality disorders...
So until then I hope you all are getting enough sleep! xx
Gareth's had 6 hours sleep in the last 3 days. For most this would be annoying, frustrating, upsetting. It's all those things to Gareth but it's also very dangerous. When he doesn't sleep he becomes ill and has sleep deprivation psychosis. He also dissociates so it's not always easy for him or I to decide what's real and what's not. I can be frightening for him and for me, I went to an early morning appointment once and came home to find the kitchen bin smoking. I worked out he'd microwaved some tobacco then put it in the bin and it had caught fire to papers.
He also tends to spend money we haven't got and phone everyone in his phone book. He's got into trouble a few times for both!
Gareth started waking me up about 8pm last night - I'd fallen asleep at 5pm. He must have come in about 20 times. He finally fell asleep about 3am this morning, the last I heard from him was a text saying, "I want that red cloud off my book!" I've no idea what this means and I doubt he does either. The funny thing is once he'd gone to sleep I woke up. I have ME and depression and both make me want to sleep a lot but Gareth can't bear to be alone, everything goes wrong for him when he's alone, hence why he wakes me up all the time. One of his diagnosis is Borderline Personality Disorder which I'm going to talk a little bit about now.
I remember the first time we looked up Borderline Personality Disorder and reading this:
"Being a borderline feels like eternal hell. Nothing less. Pain, anger, confusion, never knowing how I’m gonna feel from one minute to the next. Hurting because I hurt those whom I love. Feeling misunderstood. Nothing gives me pleasure. Wanting to die but not being able to kill myself because I’d feel too much guilt for those I’d hurt, and then feeling angry about that so I cut myself or take an overdose to make all the feelings go away."
I read that people with BPD have feelings of chronic emptiness and are constantly lonely. Gareth and I lay on our bed and sobbed together. I didn't realise what he went through every minute of every day. It's hard to take but I can only begin to imagine how hard it is to live with. Although I get angry and frustrated with Gareth, I never, never forget what he's feeling and I know and I believe he is trying the best he can. There are so many myths about BPD which I'm going to address in my next post and talk some about what Gareth is doing himself to educate the world about this and other personality disorders...
So until then I hope you all are getting enough sleep! xx
Monday, 9 July 2012
How are you?
In the film, Love Actually, there is a character whose mobile rings constantly. It's her brother who's in a mental health hospital and she is his only family. He rings all the time and she always answers. I imagine lots of people felt like screaming at her just leave it!!! Especially when she finally gets the man she's secretly loved for years back home one night.
If anyone bought the DVD you may know it shows a deleted scene involving the character and her brother. She visits him at the hospital and he asks her, "How are you?" She answers politely with an attempt at being cheerful that she's fine, that everything is fine and well. He nods and looks at her and says, "I'm in hell".
As a carer for someone with severe mental health problems that scene had a great impact on me. I often get told, "I don't know who you cope/do it". well believe me when the person you love and adore lives in hell - you just do cope and you just do it.
Over time I've learnt to look after myself first, not to pick up the phone every single time it rings and to understand that I am important too but I never forget that if someone asked us "how are you?" our answers - our true answers - would be very different.
If anyone bought the DVD you may know it shows a deleted scene involving the character and her brother. She visits him at the hospital and he asks her, "How are you?" She answers politely with an attempt at being cheerful that she's fine, that everything is fine and well. He nods and looks at her and says, "I'm in hell".
As a carer for someone with severe mental health problems that scene had a great impact on me. I often get told, "I don't know who you cope/do it". well believe me when the person you love and adore lives in hell - you just do cope and you just do it.
Over time I've learnt to look after myself first, not to pick up the phone every single time it rings and to understand that I am important too but I never forget that if someone asked us "how are you?" our answers - our true answers - would be very different.
Tuesday, 3 July 2012
A Godsend
I first went to A&E with Gareth about 9 years ago. He'd taken an overdose and was waiting to see a psychiatrist so they could find him a bed and admit him to a psychiatric unit. Back then I was just Gareth's "friend".
16 hours later me and my friend Marie who had patiently stayed with me, went on a bus with Gareth to the hospital he was to stay in for a week. Since then Gareth's taken approximately 20 overdoses and has been to A&E - at a guess - I'd say anywhere from 60 to 100 times. I stopped going with him after a while. I often wonder if the hospital thinks I'm cruel or harsh or uncaring. I'm not, I just need to sleep occasionally and would prefer not to end up in a psychiatric unit myself one day.
A couple of nights ago Gareth made one of his weekly trips to A&E, I stayed in the bedroom with the door shut so the dogs didn't scream when the ambulance arrived. Several texts and phone calls later I got up for work and went about my day. I hadn't heard from him for 2 hours (unheard of) so I started to get worried. His phone was off and I couldn't get hold of him. Then the phone rang. It was the hospital asking why Gareth had come because he was completely incoherent and they couldn't understand a word he was saying. They told me he would likely be admitted.
So I got my coat on, made my apologies, left work and went to the hospital. After picking up Gareth's belongings that he'd left all over the hospital, I went to the interview room, explained to several people that when Gareth misses a night's sleep he becomes incoherent. They think its something called Sleep Deprivation Psychosis. I told them this behaviour was perfectly normal and if he slept he would wake up fine, not remembering any of it.
The mental health team told me they breathed a sigh of relief when I arrived, told me I was a godsend, thanked me profusely. They didn't exactly say why but I imagine its something to do with a comment a psychiatrist made once, "You don't need to be in hospital, you have a wife". In layman's terms I saving them a gob load of money because admission costs in time, money and responsibility but sending him home relieves them of time, money and responsibility and passes it on to me
Ok that's pretty cynical. But its true. I may be a godsend to them but who will be my godsend?
16 hours later me and my friend Marie who had patiently stayed with me, went on a bus with Gareth to the hospital he was to stay in for a week. Since then Gareth's taken approximately 20 overdoses and has been to A&E - at a guess - I'd say anywhere from 60 to 100 times. I stopped going with him after a while. I often wonder if the hospital thinks I'm cruel or harsh or uncaring. I'm not, I just need to sleep occasionally and would prefer not to end up in a psychiatric unit myself one day.
A couple of nights ago Gareth made one of his weekly trips to A&E, I stayed in the bedroom with the door shut so the dogs didn't scream when the ambulance arrived. Several texts and phone calls later I got up for work and went about my day. I hadn't heard from him for 2 hours (unheard of) so I started to get worried. His phone was off and I couldn't get hold of him. Then the phone rang. It was the hospital asking why Gareth had come because he was completely incoherent and they couldn't understand a word he was saying. They told me he would likely be admitted.
So I got my coat on, made my apologies, left work and went to the hospital. After picking up Gareth's belongings that he'd left all over the hospital, I went to the interview room, explained to several people that when Gareth misses a night's sleep he becomes incoherent. They think its something called Sleep Deprivation Psychosis. I told them this behaviour was perfectly normal and if he slept he would wake up fine, not remembering any of it.
The mental health team told me they breathed a sigh of relief when I arrived, told me I was a godsend, thanked me profusely. They didn't exactly say why but I imagine its something to do with a comment a psychiatrist made once, "You don't need to be in hospital, you have a wife". In layman's terms I saving them a gob load of money because admission costs in time, money and responsibility but sending him home relieves them of time, money and responsibility and passes it on to me
Ok that's pretty cynical. But its true. I may be a godsend to them but who will be my godsend?
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