Remembering Ruby

Gareth's descent into the mental health system started when he lost his mum. He is the youngest of 11 children to Ruby and George and he was the baby. Ruby developed Parkinson's disease and aged only 60 she fell down some stairs and her lungs collapsed. Gareth visited her in hospital, told her he loved her and returned to the army after being told Ruby would recover. He received a phone call afterwards to say she had passed away.

He wasn't given support and wasn't able to take time off to grieve. Instead he drank. Two years later on the anniversary of his mum's death he took a massive overdose and was found in an alleyway in the early hours of the morning. He was admitted to an army psychiatric unit where he would go on to be assessed and given a medical discharge with the diagnosis of "adjustment disorder". A diagnosis that would change many times over the years allowing the army to rescind the regular payment he received from them as he no longer suffered from "adjustment disorder". My thoughts on that shall remain quiet for now but needless to say it seems very convenient!

This year Ruby would have been 75 years old. It's been 15 years. People still want Gareth to "get over it" and "get on with his life" and although it comes from a place of caring and wanting him to be happy people haven't the time or patience to understand unresolved and complex grief. Gareth himself wanted to try and let go this year and out himself under too much pressure to do so.

Anyway we decided to mark her birthday in some way and we went to Chester Cathedral where Ruby first heard Gareth play in concert for the first time. Gareth remembers the seat she sat in and so we took turns (we had the dogs with us - as always) going in and sitting in that seat to remember her.

Whilst I was there, two women were talking (personally I would have described it as flirting) with an employee, obscuring my view of the stage. I was sat down sometimes with my eyes closed and thought it was clear that I was trying to have a moment but I guess some people are only aware of their own needs as it didn't stop the raucous laughter and inappropriately loud chatting. I was beyond irritated at this point and it occurred to me that Gareth always described Ruby as moody and ratty - so perhaps if Ruby was there that's exactly how I would be feeling ;o)

I took photos of the chair and stage and went on to make a digital scrapbook page to commemorate the moment. I chose to remember it once the annoying people had finally moved but I may well do an art journal page of the irritating part :o) Here's the page anyway:

I hope Gareth finds a way to remember Ruby without it causing him suicidal thoughts one day. A way to remember her with happiness but I would never tell him to get over it and move on - it's his mum. I have no idea how anyone or if indeed anyone does ever "get over" the loss of close family member. I guess people just find a way to live with it somehow. The dripping heart on the scrapbook page represents Gareth's heart which is still bleeding, I just hope one day we can stop the bleeding and start to heal the scar it's left.

I love you always Gareth xxx

Complex grief

My husband's mum passed away in 1999. Gareth was devastated then and he is devastated now - 13 years on. A lot of people don't understand why he "won't" move on - why he can't just put it in the past and get on with it. They don't understand because they don't want to understand. They would prefer that Gareth played nice, never brought the subject up and stopped mourning - because it makes them feel uncomfortable! Well, tough! I'm so sick of ignorance and people unwilling to educate themselves in order to try to understand others especially those we are close to.

Grief is traumatic enough without adding other factors into it. If a bereavement is allowed to go unresolved for whatever reason the consequences can be devastating. Our culture here in the UK does not promote healthy grieving - other countries sob unreservedly in the street - here it's a quiet, respectful affair, everyone in black, everyone shuffling along uncomfortably avoiding looking at the one that's breaking down in the corner - "take her outside!"

People with personality disorders do not always have normal emotional functioning so dealing with loss can be even harder. Falling mentally ill is a loss in itself - losing years of your life, losing friends, family, your personality, self-respect, self-worth.

Gareth asked me if he could write how he feels about the loss of his mum and this is what he said,

"To speak of my mum in detail is far too hard so I'm just going to say a few words. The day my dear mum passed away was the day that changed my whole life and was also the day a part of my heart was ripped out. There isn't a day goes by where I don't consider committing suicide. I know this is a completely selfish attitude to take but it's the only way I would (hopefully) get to see my mum again straight away. I only told my mum once in my whole life that I loved her and that is the biggest regret of my life. There is so much more I want to say but I just can't right now. I may write more one day. Gareth"

Sadly how Gareth feels is not uncommon. The DSM 5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) due out in 2013 is looking at including Complicated Grief Disorder. I hope it does because then the world may start to realise that it's not a case of just "getting on with it".

Life and death

Gareth's ill again tonight.

He didn't sleep last night which brings on his sleep deprivation psychosis and to make matters worse his elderly friend John has been taken into hospital. John has terminal cancer and schizophrenia. Gareth's terrified of him dying as anyone would be, but for Gareth I would say death is a major trigger and an area that he just cannot cope with.

After losing his mum in 1999, his brother Ged hung himself in 2001. He would be the 4th of the 11 children to die. The eldest Paul was killed by a train when Gareth was an early teen. The verdict was left open but it appears to be a suicide. Paul was a like a father figure to Gareth. Russell died at birth and then there was beautiful Philip, who looked so like Gareth, he was 5 when he was hit by a car. He subsequently went into what was classes as a coma - for the next 22 years. Eventually he died from his muscles wasting away. Both his accident and his death were newspaper articles which his dad keeps in an album. Philip wasn't on breathing apparatus and was actually home for periods of time but the details are sketchy to me because Gareth has blanked it all out and I only find out things from his dad who doesn't like to dwell on the past.

Gareth has had life experiences that I just can't imagine, he's the youngest and most sensitive of all the children and quite often his family don't understand, and have no patience for the impact it's all had on him. They want him to "get over it" to "move on" but without an understanding of his various personality disorders/mental illness its pretty difficult for them to grasp why he finds this more difficult than them. I would quite happily get them all in a room and give a presentation about Gareth if I thought they'd listen. On the other hand they've had so much trauma that I can understand that they want to leave it behind.

With so many children though come many nieces and nephews, and we have a new baby in the family. Edward Arthur was born very recently and we will be visiting him next weekend. There is something beautiful and special about babies that give you hope and optimism for the future and I hope he will have a healing effect on Gareth when he lays eyes on him.

For now I have to go check on him in the hope that his prn has kicked in and he's fallen asleep, and is temporarily free from his pain.

Will the butterflies come today?

Gareth's been feeling better for the first time in 4 months. Unfortunately his period of wellness started right before the worst day of the year. Every year for the last 9 years I've been on eggshells on July 17th. Gareth's mum, Ruby, passed away on July 17th 1999. He was 21, he was her baby (the youngest of 11 children), and he's never recovered from it. It was the trigger for his descent into the mental health system. Two years later in 2001 Gareth would take his first, and most serious, overdose on July 17th. He was in the army at the time, his dream job, a musician in the Band of the Parachute Regiment, due to take a place in the Coldstream Guards band. His life was a whirl of parties, girls, drinking, lads nights, holidays, playing his clarinet and getting very well paid to do so.

After that initial overdose he was sent to the army psychiatric ward and eventually discharged with "Adjustment Disorder". It was in this ward that he met his friend Simon who I will talk more about another time. After his discharge, in true bipolar style, he blew all his money very quickly, drank a lot, self harmed a lot... and somewhere in that mess he met me.

Over the years there's been various incidents on July 17th. This year Gareth says he feels like its the first year since Ruby died. I think its the first year he's ever let himself feel any grief without the anaesthetic of alcohol or self harm. He's angry, he's distraught, he's confused, he's displaying symptoms of psychosis - his "friends" Brad and Edward have come for a visit (only Gareth can see them) - of our two dogs, Rupy and Hen - he couldn't tell which was which.

But later we are going to plant something in remembrance of Ruby. A buddleja named Ruby. Buddleja's are also called butterfly bushes because they are renowned for attracting butterflies. Sadly this year there's not been so many butterflies as the weather is stripping many flowers of its pollen. Plants like the buddleja though are structured differently, the pollen can be found deeper within the flower and its harder for the wind to blow it away so they're really important to the future of the butterfly.

Since we've had our buddleja we've not seen any butterflies, until last night. Gareth went into the garden to find ten feathers on the grass and a butterfly hovering around the buddleja. Tonight we are moving Ruby from the pot she came in to a larger pot she will call home. If Ruby is out there anywhere I would ask that she send us some butterflies today in remembrance and hopefully Gareth can start to look forward and learn to live with this particular pain.